Morshu
Morshu von Schmitz (1947–2019), born Morschu Färsohn and commonly known as Morshu McPhereson, is a German-Hylian shopkeep who sells things at his shop. Biography Morshu von Schmitz was born as Morschu Färsohn in 1947 to Günter Schmitz and Gertrud Whatshername in Günzberg, French-occupied Bavaria. His father happened to be a fugitive Nazi war criminal—hence the assumed name "Färsohn"—and when Morshu was a toddler, his father relocated with him to Ireland, changing the family name once again to "McPhereson." Morshu was a very bright child; at age 5, he was already trilingual, speaking German, French, and English. He was so smart that he actually skipped middle school and went straight to high school. Around then, he began to work for his father at the then-obscure Morshu Mart (back then called Schmitz Store) and made great sales. As smart as Morshu was, he began to take drugs at the age of 18, after he graduated college. His father decided to give him some discipline, but ended up giving him too much: Morshu was drafted into the Vietnam War. While in Vietnam, he found a large hole in the ground. Then, a la Alice in Wonderland, he was taken to Koridai! Being capitalist, he decided to go to Shopkeep College, where he met a man named Ushrom. Morshu completed Shopkeep College with ease, and after three years in Koridai, he set up a new Morshu Mart there. The store turned out to be very popular in Koridai and quickly spread to the rest of Hyrule, and Morshu would soon achieve success in music as well. He met Dr. Robotnik in 1969, and a few years later, the pair formed Pingas MMMMusic, which produced many hit songs and became the greatest band in Hyrule. Morshu got obscenely rich from the combined success of Morshu Mart and Pingas MMMMusic, and he even built an entire private village called Schapperville, which was designed to resemble his hometown in Germany. In 1978, Morshu was declared the most successful shopkeep in Koridai. Starting that year, he also starred in the controversial but successful sitcom The Retarded Yoshi Show. It was around then that Ushrom and Morshu became business rivals due to similarities between their ideas. As a result, Morshu tried suing Ushrom; he won, Ushrom was imprisoned, and Morshu gained ownership of Ushrom's business. Morshu then destroyed Ushrom's shop and used the shop to make another Morshu Mart. He married Acissej Wannshu in 1980. Later that decade, he ended his partnership with Robotnik and befriended former American president Richard Nixon. .]] Morshu faced a series of troubles with many of his ventures in the late 80's. He had to fire Boshi from The Retarded Yoshi Show, which went on hiatus; his first feature film went over budget and got stuck in development hell; and, in 1989, a crash in the stock market known as the Hylian Market Crash ruined his business. His stockholders lost money and began to fight against Morshu Mart. One of these stockholders was a man named Gwonam al-Fari, who was King Harkinian's scribe. King Harkinian decided to declare a war on Ganon to steal his money. Ganon retaliated by kidnapping Zelda and taking over Koridai and Gamelon. Morshu, lost in all the fuss, allowed his company to be purchased by Hyru-Mart, but when the crash ended in 2000, Morshu backstabbed HyruMart and took it over. Like most of the Zelda CD-i characters, Morshu began appearing in YouTube Poop in the mid-2000s. He even became the acting king of Hyrule once after King Harkinian was incapacitated by an eye injury, but was forced to resign less than 24 hours into his term when Gwonam conspired with Chris Hansen to bust him for pedophilia. When his uncle Movieshu retired in 2009, Morshu took over Hyrule Cinema. Morshu managed to stay neutral during the Form Wars, but during the Poopocalypse of 2019, Morshu aided in the defense of Koridai and Gamelai. He actually managed to kill a lot of trolls, but he did not survive the battle. His nephew, Richter Schmitz, took over his businesses. Personality Some people claim Morshu is a communist, but he seems more capitalist than anyone. Although he has been wealthy for most of his life, he is perpetually obsessed with getting more money, so much that he is willing to sell his friends and relatives into slavery and kidnap important people like King Harkinian so he can hold them for ransom. The only thing he seems unwilling to part with for money is his supply of crack cocain, much to the aggravation of potential customers like I.M. Meen and M. Bison. He is also infamous for refusing to give credit to anyone, whether financially or for ideas. He has no sympathy for the poor and seems to hypocritically dislike fat people, having refused service to King Harkinian due to the King's weight problems. Abilities Morshu's body is much more durable than that of the average human or elf due to his thick layers of blubber, which render him virtually immune to gunshot wounds anywhere but his face. On one occasion, Morshu's obesity saved Hyrule from a xenomorph infestation when the larva died of exhaustion in the process of digging its way out of his stomach. Morshu also has the power to break the fabric of reality by shaving his facial hair, triggering effects similar to what would happen if one divided by zero. Sexual Orientation Morshu tends to act aggressively toward female customers and seems to act in a more heterosexual manner than most Hylians. Of course, being a prominent YouTube Poop character, he does have gay sex from time to time; notably, Gay Luigi once let Morshu rape him in exchange for some free spaghetti. It has also been rumored that he had an affair with Ushrom back in the 60’s and 70’s. Nowadays, as with the Gay Luigi example, Morshu tends to abuse his position as shopkeep for sexual purposes. He once instituted a policy forcing all Morshu Mart customers to eat his cum before being allowed to buy anything, but he soon reversed this rule after he tried enforcing it on the King, who had recently been half-transformed into Pikachu (long story) and responded by blasting Morshu with lightning. Relations with Other Characters Ushrom Ushrom is probably Morshu’s worst enemy. This is mainly due to their long-running business rivalry, but the two have also competed for Zelda’s romantic attention. Although Morshu’s net worth has been over 9,000 times greater than Ushrom’s for decades now, Morshu illogically continues to harass him, often by breaking into his shop and stealing his cash register. Dr. Robotnik Although Morshu doesn’t hate Robotnik as much as he hates Ushrom, he still goes to great lengths to make life more difficult for Robotnik and can often be found not-very-stealthily sneaking around his fortress. He once prevented Robotnik from disposing of some bombs, resulting in an explosion that fused them together to create the form Morbotshik. Link Morshu and Link tend to get along poorly, often having violent disputes over business transactions. Morshu frequently refuses to sell certain items—such as crack cocain and a PS3—to Link, either because Link doesn’t have enough rupees or because he wants to keep the stuff for himself. He has also shot Link in the head at least twice: once intentionally after Link offered to pay him with sex instead of rupees, and by accident another time while trying to shoot Gnorris in I.M. Meen’s labyrinth. Family Main article: Schmitz Family Legal Issues *On January 18, 2008, Morshu was arrested after he crashed into a school bus in Hyrule City during an impromptu street race with King Harkinian. In February, he was sentenced to six months in jail followed by six months on probation. *On September 30, 2009, Morshu was taken to Hyrule Police Station for questioning after allegations were made that he sold his son to Link two days earlier. However, no evidence against Morshu was ever produced and no charges were filed. Coincidentally, every official present at the interrogation retired to a luxurious estate at an exotic locale within a month. Quotes *"Lamp oil, rope, bombs–you want it? It's yours, my friend, as long as you have enough rupees." *"Sorry, Link. I can't give credit! Come back when you're a little, MMMM ... richer!" *"Up yours, my friend." *"Link, you're a little piece of poop." *"It's yours, my friend, as long as you have buttsex with me." *"You want it? Then buy it, bitch." *"Try using soap." MMMMM Mmmmm, also known as "nnnnn" is Morshu's catchphrase. When performed at full volume, it can destroy electronics and make people go deaf. In the 70's, Morshu joined Dr. Robotnik to make music in a company called Pingas MMMMusic, and they have created songs ever since. Instagram Morshu has an Instagram account, @mmmmorshu. 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